Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I hope you all are fat
I never really thought I'd ever be THAT person.
The sort of person who freaks right the fuck out at the thought of a high school reunion.
ME worry that my former classmates will notice my bling came from Target? ME worry that there wont be enough girls who are less pretty than I? ME worry that people will respond to me with "Oh. Divorced. And you couldn't afford electricity for 2 months last year? We expected so much more. I think I should go get more punch".
But sure enough, I get that noice and first thing I think is "DIET!". I have become normal.
But my big worry? The date. Really, what says "spinster" more than a divorced girl who lives in a house with 3 cats who shows up to her reunion alone.
And lets throw in that the runion is my birthday weekend.
And not going is not an option. I was not one of those people who absolutely hated high school. I was not a "popular" kid, but people knew who I was as I was the goto girl for all your term paper and hall pass needs. There are people from my school I really would like to see again. Some for reasons other than to see if they got really fat (and yes, I see the absurdity in my statement).
So, I need a date. And a good date at that. Doesn't have to be a romantic date. Just someone. Who'll lie for me. Who'll nod their head when I tell people I am a contributor to the New York Times.
I'm so glad they're having this thing at a bar.
I never really thought I'd ever be THAT person.
The sort of person who freaks right the fuck out at the thought of a high school reunion.
ME worry that my former classmates will notice my bling came from Target? ME worry that there wont be enough girls who are less pretty than I? ME worry that people will respond to me with "Oh. Divorced. And you couldn't afford electricity for 2 months last year? We expected so much more. I think I should go get more punch".
But sure enough, I get that noice and first thing I think is "DIET!". I have become normal.
But my big worry? The date. Really, what says "spinster" more than a divorced girl who lives in a house with 3 cats who shows up to her reunion alone.
And lets throw in that the runion is my birthday weekend.
And not going is not an option. I was not one of those people who absolutely hated high school. I was not a "popular" kid, but people knew who I was as I was the goto girl for all your term paper and hall pass needs. There are people from my school I really would like to see again. Some for reasons other than to see if they got really fat (and yes, I see the absurdity in my statement).
So, I need a date. And a good date at that. Doesn't have to be a romantic date. Just someone. Who'll lie for me. Who'll nod their head when I tell people I am a contributor to the New York Times.
I'm so glad they're having this thing at a bar.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Gift Horse
I met a man yesterday afternoon while sitting up at the bar at Homeslice.
And he asked what I was reading.
"It's a book about adoption."
"You adopting?"
"Trying to. Either Ethiopia or Vietnam"
"Wow. That warms my heart. Let me give you my phone number and when you get your kid, call me, and I'll buy the kid some shoes"
It's the strange, brief encounters in this town that keep me here. I, of course, turned down but thanked him for his offer, but no where else would I have a stranger offer to purchase shoes for a child I don't even know yet.
I met a man yesterday afternoon while sitting up at the bar at Homeslice.
And he asked what I was reading.
"It's a book about adoption."
"You adopting?"
"Trying to. Either Ethiopia or Vietnam"
"Wow. That warms my heart. Let me give you my phone number and when you get your kid, call me, and I'll buy the kid some shoes"
It's the strange, brief encounters in this town that keep me here. I, of course, turned down but thanked him for his offer, but no where else would I have a stranger offer to purchase shoes for a child I don't even know yet.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
And stay off my lawn
How do you know you're old?
When you see a comercial for the DVD of the film version of "RENT" and upon thinking about the play, you mutter under your breath :
"Oh shut up and get a job"
How do you know you're old?
When you see a comercial for the DVD of the film version of "RENT" and upon thinking about the play, you mutter under your breath :
"Oh shut up and get a job"
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Things I know
Things I know (fo sho')
1) I really like ending sentences with "fo sho' " or "Sho' Nuff". Especially when used in obviously uncool situations. Two nights ago I actually told my dad "If you start to feel faint again, call your doctor or go to the ER and then call me, sho nuff?"
2) My father will pause only briefly when his only child gives him medical advice followed by the word "sho'"
3) If you work in an environment where a) you are likely to go crazy no less than 11 times a day (which I do) and b) everywhere you look there are fellow employees who feel the same way (again, which I do), try humming or if you can whistle, whistle the theme for Sanford and Son. Your fellow employees will hear this behind the murmur of fellow telephone customer service agents and will hum or whistle the same tune when they can. And it will work its way down the call center floor. You will walk to lunch 4 hours later to hear the manager who sits by the breakroom going "do do DOO do, do do DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO do do DOO do..."
4)Last night I had a dream that I got into a fight with a 1:125 scale size dairy cow and a Biore pore strip.
5) I realized not long ago that 90% of the conversations I have with my ex husband are done with either he or me pretending to be one of our cats. Yes, we made up voices for our cats. And sometimes I'll call my ex husband to find out if he's working that night and if so, if he can score us a few free beers (the joy of knowing a bartender at the Alamo Drafthouse). And sometimes our conversations go like this:
*ring* * ring *
Him: Hello?
Me(as my cat):Hey dad!
Him: Hey Dewey Boy!
Me/cat: Hey. Mum wants to know if you're workin tonight because she's comin to see a movie tonight.
Him: I'm closing tonight.
Me: Cool. Maybe mum could send a note back with the server and you could send her some sangria.
Him: Ok
Me: Ok. I have to go eat and then wash myself. Bye dad.
6) I really wish I were making that last part up.
7) I assume that I now have no chance of dating anyone on my friends list. Or being let into anyone's house. Or around their children.
8) I am disappointed that no one in my vast circle of friends ever told me how fantastic the show Six Feet Under is. I watched all of season 1 this weekend.
9) There are times that, lately, I really miss my mother. And maybe not miss HER. But miss having a mother.
10) Someone at work tried to explain Crip Walking or as they phrased it "C-walk". I told them that unless it involved some sort of "Electric Boogaloo" and some kids trying to save their youth center by having a breakdance contest I was really clueless. So much for my idea of being the "cool mom" once I become a parent.
11) Speaking of: Yes I am still adopting. And no I don't know when that will happen. A year or so. Don't worry. You'll all know when it happens because I'll be asking you to babysit and buy it clothes.
Things I know (fo sho')
1) I really like ending sentences with "fo sho' " or "Sho' Nuff". Especially when used in obviously uncool situations. Two nights ago I actually told my dad "If you start to feel faint again, call your doctor or go to the ER and then call me, sho nuff?"
2) My father will pause only briefly when his only child gives him medical advice followed by the word "sho'"
3) If you work in an environment where a) you are likely to go crazy no less than 11 times a day (which I do) and b) everywhere you look there are fellow employees who feel the same way (again, which I do), try humming or if you can whistle, whistle the theme for Sanford and Son. Your fellow employees will hear this behind the murmur of fellow telephone customer service agents and will hum or whistle the same tune when they can. And it will work its way down the call center floor. You will walk to lunch 4 hours later to hear the manager who sits by the breakroom going "do do DOO do, do do DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO do do DOO do..."
4)Last night I had a dream that I got into a fight with a 1:125 scale size dairy cow and a Biore pore strip.
5) I realized not long ago that 90% of the conversations I have with my ex husband are done with either he or me pretending to be one of our cats. Yes, we made up voices for our cats. And sometimes I'll call my ex husband to find out if he's working that night and if so, if he can score us a few free beers (the joy of knowing a bartender at the Alamo Drafthouse). And sometimes our conversations go like this:
*ring* * ring *
Him: Hello?
Me(as my cat):Hey dad!
Him: Hey Dewey Boy!
Me/cat: Hey. Mum wants to know if you're workin tonight because she's comin to see a movie tonight.
Him: I'm closing tonight.
Me: Cool. Maybe mum could send a note back with the server and you could send her some sangria.
Him: Ok
Me: Ok. I have to go eat and then wash myself. Bye dad.
6) I really wish I were making that last part up.
7) I assume that I now have no chance of dating anyone on my friends list. Or being let into anyone's house. Or around their children.
8) I am disappointed that no one in my vast circle of friends ever told me how fantastic the show Six Feet Under is. I watched all of season 1 this weekend.
9) There are times that, lately, I really miss my mother. And maybe not miss HER. But miss having a mother.
10) Someone at work tried to explain Crip Walking or as they phrased it "C-walk". I told them that unless it involved some sort of "Electric Boogaloo" and some kids trying to save their youth center by having a breakdance contest I was really clueless. So much for my idea of being the "cool mom" once I become a parent.
11) Speaking of: Yes I am still adopting. And no I don't know when that will happen. A year or so. Don't worry. You'll all know when it happens because I'll be asking you to babysit and buy it clothes.